


Gone Again | Spencer Reid

by voidjareau



Category: Criminal Minds (US TV)
Genre: Angst, F/M, Faking Death, Not A Happy Ending, One Shot, Panic Attack, hurt without comfort, ian doyle mentioned, original character ( james )
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-22
Updated: 2020-10-22
Packaged: 2021-03-08 19:07:31
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,425
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27151550
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/voidjareau/pseuds/voidjareau
Summary: It’s been seven months since you’ve last seen the inside of the BAU.Seven months since everything changed.Seven months since you left the people you called friends— family even.Seven months since you left the one you loved. Seven months since you died.
Relationships: Spencer Reid & Reader
Comments: 5
Kudos: 38





	Gone Again | Spencer Reid

**GONE AGAIN | SPENCER REID**

_ Breathe in.  _

_ Breathe out.  _

_ Repeat. _

That’s what you kept going over in your head as you walked into the bullpen, nervously looking around.

It’s been seven months since you’ve last seen the inside of the BAU. Seven months since everything changed. Seven months since you left the people you called friends— family even. Seven months since you left the one you loved. Seven months since you  _ died _ . 

Now, obviously, you  _ didn’t  _ actually die but every one the team, except for JJ and Hotch, thought you did. You and Emily had been in a fight with people from your past, they were out to kill the both of you and the  _ way  _ to catch them was to act like they had done the job. 

The only problem with that. 

You couldn’t tell anybody. You couldn’t tell  _ him _ . 

No instead, you just had to up and leave and let everyone think you were dead. 

It’s been seven months since. 

You and Emily had been called back. They needed your help to  _ finally  _ put away the men who hurt two of you. The men who took you from your family but that involved finding one of their sons. 

Ian Doyle’s son, Declan, specifically. 

The one who hurt you was caught a few weeks ago. Ian had been the only one out of the two men who didn’t get caught until only a few days ago.

Emily nudged your side a little, gesturing towards the conference room. You looked at it, seeing Hotch and JJ standing in front of the monitor, surrounded by the team. They were telling them about you and Emily. 

“Can you believe it’s been seven months?” Emily asks quietly, as you slowly make your way through the bullpen up to the conference room. 

You shook your head. 

It felt like seven years, not months. 

Both of you heard them before you saw them. First was the familiar and loving voice of Penelope Garcia. “They’re alive?” 

Followed by Spencer, his words choked. “But we buried them.” 

Hotch moved his eyes around the room, landing on you and Prentiss approaching the door for a split second, before moving on. His tongue darted out, wetting his dry lips. “As I said, I take full responsibility for the decision. If anyone has any issues, they should be directed towards me.” 

Derek was next to speak, his voice carrying so much anger. “Any issues? Yeah, I got issues.” 

You were now standing at the door, nervously biting your bottom lip, looking down at your feet. They were apparently the most interesting thing. 

“Oh, my God,” Penelope whispers, tears brimming in her eyes. You look up and lock eyes with her. 

Your eyes move around the room, meeting everyone’s gaze, well  _ almost  _ everyone’s. Spencer wouldn’t look up. 

The ground was the most interesting thing in the world to him at the moment. His hands were balled into fists so tight that his knuckles were turning white. 

“Hey,” Emily was the first to speak, her voice strong and steady unlike yours probably would be. You were afraid to speak with the way everyone was staring at you. They were more surprised to see you alive instead of Emily, hell, you were surprised you survived with how much more damage was done to you than Emily. 

“Oh, my God,” Garcia repeated before practically running over to you, pulling you into her arms.

You instinctively let out a sigh at her touch, you were deprived of touch from other people and it felt good to feel the skin of someone else’s besides your own or Emily’s. Her hug was like a blanket. It was warm and comfy and you felt safe for the first time in almost a year. 

From the corner of your eye, you saw Emily wrap her arms around Derek’s torso. You could tell he wasn’t really into it but you couldn’t blame him. He was the one with her in what he thought were her final moments. You also saw Spencer finally look up, looking at the dark-haired girl in Derek’s arms before he looked in your direction.

He froze when you locked eyes with him. His eyes were glazed over with unshed tears. Pulling yourself away from the blonde in your arms, you hesitantly walked over to him, afraid that if you moved too fast he would run the other way. 

He still ran when you got closer. 

The room stilled. 

Everyone looked at the door he ran out of blankly. 

You blinked, forcing a small smile on your lips. Clearing your throat, you turned to face the members of the team. “Hi.” 

Silence took over the room. 

Rossi spoke first. “I can’t believe you two are alive.” 

You couldn’t explain the wave of happiness that flooded through your body at the sound of David Rossi’s voice. You were finally home and you couldn’t be happier, the only thing that bothered you was the fact that Spencer had run out. 

You  _ needed  _ to talk to him. Explain why you didn’t tell him and that you had no choice in the faking your death. It was the only way and you needed to explain that to him. 

“I can’t believe  _ you’re  _ still standing, Y/N.” He adds, walking over to you. He cupped your face and placed a single kiss on each of your cheeks. 

“Yeah, the doctor who operated on me also couldn’t believe it.” You forced a chuckle. “Both of them, actually.” 

“Both?” Derek asks, his voice soft. 

You nod. “Yeah, in London, I guess I started bleeding internally so they had to open me back up and find out what it was that was bleeding. That doctor was so surprised I made it off the table during the first one after the fight with Doyle and- and uh,”

You hesitated with  _ his _ name. You always hesitated trying to say his name. 

“You don’t have to say his name, pretty girl.” You smiled brightly at the nickname Derek gave you when you first joined the BAU four years ago. 

“It’s good to have you back, Agents. We should get to work.” Hotch pipes up, a small smile tugging on his bearded face. 

You and Emily smile at each other. “Good to be back, Sir.” 

___________________

You paced around Penelope’s office-- bat cave to be more accurate. The rest of the team, except Emily, Penelope, and you, were out saving Doyle’s son, you were worried that things would go wrong because they were using Ian as bait. Emily was also pacing because she was more worried about Ian escaping and getting away again. It worried the both of you because he got away then there’s a chance he would try to break  _ him  _ out. 

You and Emily were not about to go back into hiding after only just getting out less than 48 hours ago. 

“Can you two stop pacing?” Garica asks, over the sound of her constant typing. 

“Sorry,” You both muttered, taking a seat in the extra chairs. 

Garcia paused her typing, turned in her chair to face you, and the dark-haired girl next to you. “I know you two are worried but Doyle won’t get away and Jame-- _ he  _ won’t get away.” 

You and Emily locked eyes. 

The two men were good at getting away, didn’t matter how good the team was, they were so much better. It was already surprising that they ended up getting caught in the first place. It shouldn’t have even happened, unless… unless they wanted to get caught or they devolved but you knew better. 

You blinked, turning your gaze to Garcia. “When’s the last time you had contact with the team?” 

The blonde looked confused at the question but she glanced up at the clock hanging above the door. “About ten minutes ago, why?” 

“Call them  _ now _ ,” Emily demanded, catching onto what was going on through your head at that moment. It took the colorful tech analyst a few more seconds to connect the dots in her head but when she did, she quickly turned and pressed the redial button on the phone. 

The phone rang a few times before the comforting sound of Spencer’s voice comes through the line. He sounded like he was out of breath. “ _ Hello _ ?” 

“Are you okay?” You heard yourself ask before you could even think properly. 

Spencer was silent for a few moments, probably debating on if he wanted to answer you or wait until someone else repeated the question. He was fine with talking to Emily but whenever it came to you, he ignored you. 

“Reid?” 

“ _ Yeah, sorry, uh… we ran into a few problems but everything is all good now. We got Declan, he’s safe _ .” You smiled in relief. 

“Doyle?” Emily asks, her hands clenching into a fist so hard her knuckles turned white. 

“Dead.” 

“Oh, my God.” Emily breathed. 

“ _ He tried to get away and there was no other choice but there’s something else. Hotch got a call from the Federal Facility where James is being held _ ,” He paused, you felt your blood run cold. “ _ He escaped _ .  _ Everything that's been going on was just a distraction _ .” 

No, no, no, no. This was not happening. Panic rose in your chest, it was getting harder and harder to breathe with every passing second. Tears pricked in your eyes but you refused to let them fall. Instead, you just closed your eyes and repeated the same words you had said to yourself when you returned to the BAU. 

_ Breathe in. _

_ Breathe out.  _

_ Repeat. _

“No,” You gasped. He wasn’t out. He  _ can’t  _ be out. “He- No, he’s- he’s behind… he was— Oh, my God.” 

He wasn’t out. He  _ couldn’t  _ be. 

You couldn’t breathe. The room was spinning as you gasped for air. 

“Y/N, you’re panicking, you need to breathe,” Emily whispers, placing a gentle hand on your knee. You focused on that touch, keeping your eyes screwed shut. “I need you to focus on my voice, okay?” 

You tried to focus all your attention on Emily who kept talking about random things, jumping from topic to topic but you couldn’t. It was getting harder to breathe and you could hear Garcia panicking over not knowing how to help which made everything worse. You loved her but her panic was not helping yours. 

“ _ Garica, stop panicking. It’s not helping her _ .” You heard Spencer’s voice ring out through the phone. At his demand, Garcia seemed to quiet down, turning to face the array of monitors in front of her. “ _ I’m gonna hang up and call back from Y/N’s phone _ .” 

“Okay,” 

Not even thirty seconds later, you heard your phone ring. Knowing you couldn’t grab it with how shaky your hands were, Emily reached over into your bag, pulling it out. She answered the call and handed you the phone, you shakily held up to your ear. 

The two other girls shared a look and both left the room. 

“ _ Y/N, focus on me, okay _ ?  _ Just focus on my voice and tell me five things you can see _ .” 

You scanned the small office. “Co-computers, coffee mugs, uh… desks, l-lava lamp, a-and uhm, and pictures.” 

_ Breathe in. _

“ _ Okay, good. Four things you can feel _ .” 

“Uhm… the chair I’m sitting in, p-phone in hand, the desks, and uh t-the air from- from the fan.” You closed your eyes. 

_ Breathe out _ . 

“ _ Three things you can hear _ .” 

“The noises outside the room, humming of the monitors, and- and your voice.” 

_ Repeat _ . 

“ _ You’re doing so good, love, two things you can smell. If you can’t smell anything, two of your favorite smells _ .” 

You felt your heart tug at his words. 

You speak before you can think. “Coffee and o-old books.” 

_ Breathe in _ . 

It’s silent for just a few moments and the words you had just said sink in. Spencer smelled of coffee and old books, it’s something you always teased him on but you loved it. 

It felt homey. 

“ _ O-one thing you can taste. If you can’t taste anything, name your favorite one _ .” 

“Chocolate.” 

_ Breathe out _ . 

“ _ Good. You feel any better _ ?” 

“Yeah, uh thank you. Hey, Spence?” 

_ Repeat _ .

You heard him hesitate for a second before he answered. “ _ Yeah _ ?” 

“I’m sorry.” 

“ _ Me too _ .” With that, he hung up. You let a breath of what felt like fresh air for the first time in months. 

___________________

Walking into the conference room the following Monday, it was obvious that something was off. Not the mention that the air in the room was so thick, it wouldn’t even be able to be cut with a knife. Everyone on the team wore the same solemn expression. 

“No note?” JJ asked leaning back in her chair. 

“No note,” Emily confirmed. She had awoken that morning to an empty apartment, that she shared with you, and clothes missing. She soon found your phone on the kitchen counter, next to your copy of the key. You had just up and left sometime during the night, somehow managing to not wake up Emily, who woke up to the littlest of sounds.

The team turned to the door when they heard footsteps rapidly approaching. “Hotch, thank god, have you heard from-” 

Hotch held up a hand, signaling to Garcia to stop talking. “She contacted me ten minutes ago from a burner phone. She put herself in Witness Protection after spotting James tailing her on Sunday.” 

“What?” Derek snarled. 

“Why didn’t she- Oh, my God,” Garcia whispered. 

“So, she’s gone again and didn’t even  _ think  _ to tell us?  _ Again _ ?” 

“Spencer,” Emily starts, cutting herself off when she sees the look in his eyes. 

He looked almost broken. 

Derek, who was sitting next to him, put a hand on his shoulder, squeezing it. “Kid—“ 

Spencer shoots him a pointed look, “If you tell me it’ll be okay, Morgan, I swear to god,” 

“Spencer, she did the right thing by going into Witness Protection.” 

“I never said she  _ didn’t _ , Hotch, all I said was that she had just up and left with no goodbye’s  _ again _ . She didn’t stop to think about how I- how  _ we  _ would feel losing her  _ again _ .” His hazel eyes flashed with hurt mixed with anger.

“Reid, you know how she is. She acts on impulse.” Emily tries to reason. 

“That’s not the point, Emily, she’s— she’s gone and I lost her again,” He whispered, falling back in his seat. 

“We’ll see her again, kid.” JJ tried to reassure him. 

_ How wrong she was because two weeks later, they’d find your body behind a dumpster just a few blocks from where your safe house was.  _

  
  



End file.
